Cubicle-Fu

Recently, I pitched a new project idea to an exec. He told me a story about how to get people to agree to your proposals.

He told me that he carries around a bag of sh*t. This is stuff like meetings, projects to keep track of, hires to make, “restructuring” to plan, and more. Put another way, the shi*t in his bag is sh*t he already has to do, so his goal at all times is to get that sh*t out of his bag, even if it’s good sh*t.

The way for me to get approval, on anything, is to make sure that thing takes crap out of his bag, and doesn’t put more crap in.

But my project was a new idea, and I could do the work, and people will love it! Well, a new and exciting project is like a kitten. It’s fun, playful, with lots of exciting times ahead. But kittens do grow old and arguably less cute. More importantly, even if I want the kitten, it’s going to end up in my boss’s bag, and even if it’s the best kitten ever, it’s going to poop in there.

How to get approval for new crap:

1. Make sure your crap takes crap out of his bag
   If the project is really all about taking stuff out of his bag, e.g. “I was thinking in addition to my regular duties, I’d make you lunch!”, then you’re golden.
2. If you are putting new crap in, even if it’s great crap, make sure that crap addresses a specific problem
   If your reason for a new project is, “Everyone will love this,” just stop, count to ten, and rephrase your reasoning with the problem it addresses, “Morale is low, we’re seeing people quit every week, and I hear complaints all day. This project will be a huge value-add to our culture and make people want to stay.”

That’s really all you need to go. Get clever, reframe the issue, help clean up the crap. If you’re always putting crap in there, no matter what kind of dad you are to your kittens, poppa’s gonna need a brand new bag.

Have you ever been giving a super-duper important presentation and noticed a typo projected up on the wall? Ever sent an email to a client or boss only to notice that you glaringly misspelled the other person’s name? Are you plagued by get-it-done-fast syndrome, to the detriment of good grammar? Well fear not, you’re not alone! And, what’s more, there are a few key things you can do to avoid embarrassing goof ups and ensure you always look like a pro.

First, always treat emails or official documents intended for client eyes with extra special care. Categorize email writing into at least two different camps (maybe more): client/boss emails, and coworker/friend emails. Take a little extra time with the emails intended for more sensitive recipients (especially those with the power to hire/fire you or your firm).

A good rule of thumb is to always click “Save” instead of “Send”. Set your emails aside for a few minutes, walk away, and come back 15-30 minutes later with a fresh perspective (and maybe a nice steaming venti latte too!). Read over the text again while try putting yourself in the shoes of your intended audience. Read what you’ve written as if you have NO IDEA what the email is about. Does it make sense? Are there places where you tried to convey tone-of-voice that didn’t come through clearly? Did you use waaaaay too many emoticons or exclamation marks?!?!?!?

If you aren’t equipped (mentally or emotionally) to step outside of your own perspective, get someone else to proofread what you’ve written. Try to be specific about what issues the person should be looking to spot. Are you unsure of how consistent your message was? Were you too emotional when you wrote the message? Are you using a template from a previous project and you want to make sure you eliminated any mention of other clients?

While spelling errors and typos are embarrassing, there’s nothing more guaranteed to turn your face beet-red than Client X seeing Client’s Y’s name in their document. (Your client at Coca-Cola will be less than stoked to see “Pepsi” emblazoned on a project document that you sent them.) If you’re using Word templates, try doing a global search-and-replace for client names and any other language specific to one client. And even then, it’s best to have a friend or coworker double-check just to be safe.

So, to summarize:

What proofreading tips have you found useful?

This requires some serious Cubicle Fu. If you’ve ever pulled a late night, or are having a sugar/coffee crash, or forgot why driving is an energy suck, then you know how easy this is to do. There you are, listening to a perfectly dry monologue and almost without you noticing, words blur into a “woh woh woh woh” sound. You begin to feel a slow ache, and the room seems to be getting less saturated, as shapes blur together. Suddenly your dog appears in the room, and you’re in the park at the same time, and you wonder if you could fly and suddenly WHAM! You feel a rapid pain in your eyes and neck as they snap back up to your “default awake” position.

No human being will not know what the neck-snap means. You dozed off, you can’t hide it, everyone knows. Now what?

Things to try when you fall asleep in a meeting (let’s be honest, there’s no get-out-of-jail free on this one):

1. Have an awesome boss
   I “rested my eyes” in a one-on-one with my boss once. Guy is so cool he still makes fun of me.
2. Acknowledge the faux-pax…
   This is where the Cubicle Fu master reaches inward to his center, finds the zen place where everything happens for a reason, and simply admits, “Hey, I’m sorry. I had a late one…”
3. … and either recommit to consciousness, …
   “… I’m sorry about that. Ok, I’m back. Please continue.”
4. … or request a regroup.
   “… I’m sorry I’m struggling here. It’s important that we have this discussion. Would it be ok if I went to grab a cup of coffee/juice/water so I can refocus?” You’ll likely get a “yes” and the walk will do you as much good as the liquid.
5. And always keep a sense of humor.
   Chances are, you just looked silly, so laugh a little at yourself. “Oh man, I’m sorry. I thought that only happened in movies, I must look like an idiot. Lemme grab some water down the hall, I’ll be right back, and I promise I’ll reschedule my nap.”

What would you do if you fell asleep in a meeting?

We all need a release. Sometimes in the middle of a particularly frantic mouse-chase across our screen, with various programs hanging, and clicks going astray, it’s hard to maintain a strong sense of centeredness and inner peace.

That’s ok.

The trick is to figure out a way to let it out. Here are a few ideas, for all kinds of people.

How to let it out without getting sent to counseling:

1. Work out
   Hard. Soccer, tennis, or just the gym and a run will help integrate that pent-up frustration.
2. Play a game that involves short bursts of energy
   Ping Pong or Golden Tee work well.
3. Hit something
   If you have a private area, and really won’t get busted, close the door and wail on a pillow.
4. Get in your car, and scream
   I’ve done this a lot, actually. You can use words, or just noise, as long as you’re getting in touch with what’s frustrating and screaming it. I highly recommend driving somewhere where you won’t be seen freaking out, like a highway, or abandoned parking lot.
5. Do something you love, and isn’t working
   There’s something envigorating about just saying “F*#@ it! I’m going to go blog for a while!” when you’re really banging your head.

Do you have other ideas? Leave a comment and share them here.

I hope this goes without saying, but here we go: practice acknowledging your coworkers for tasks done well.

Don’t overdo it, but do thank people for their efforts, and practice noticing when you’re feeling appreciative and then say it!

If people see that you appreciate good work, they:

1. will want to work with you and
2. will want to do good work for you.

If you’re just Complainer McComplainerson or Ned McNotgoodenough then people will avoid you and maybe even not come to you with information you might need, out of fear of another complaint. You lose other people’s help, trust, and you might even set yourself up to fail because people avoid telling you what you need to know until the last possible minute.

Try these small acknowledgments:

• Hey, thanks, I really appreciate that.
• Thanks for doing that, it took a load off my plate.
• Hey, I know that was a pain, thanks for handling it.

Do not try these:

• Hey, awesome job getting to work on time! You’re so on time!
• Wow, thanks for wearing that sexy outfit today, I really appreciate it.
• Thanks for saying that stupid thing in the meeting, it totally took the weight off of me to look good!

What do you think are good things to acknowledge?

Today I overheard someone say, “The goal of this widget is to make Joe happy.” Joe is the head of our division, he has final approval.

This is a losing game, plain and simple. What if Joe is having a bad day? What if it takes more than a widget to make him happy? What if he doesn’t know what he wants, and you continue to chase a moving target?

The thing to do here is find out what will make Joe happy by asking him! If Joe gives you a list of requirements, even a simple bullet-point list in an email, then you have a target (and something to point to if he changes his mind and wants to blame you for it).

How to measure happiness:

• Get a list of requirements in writing
  A bullet list in email should do
• Get a final approval on the list
  Sending a confirmation email “This is the final list. Is this exactly what you need?” will seal up any potential for a moving target. Well, it still might move, but now Joe will know that he moved it, instead of blaming you for not having strong enough mind-reading skills.
• Present the final work with a similar list of how it addresses the first list
  If A, B, and C add up to Happiness, show off the work and point out how it addresses these requirements.

This one is pretty simple. It’s a lot easier to do something if you just do it. If you want something reasonable, and you can do it, then it might be easier to explain your thinking about why you just did it, than convince someone else that it’s a good idea.

This is not to say you should do things that are dumb, bad, harmful, or wrong. It’s in the Cubicle Fu Master’s guide: Don’t do bad, harmful, or wrong stuff (dumb is occasionally overlooked).

Example: Let’s say you really want that three day weekend (and for our example, it makes no difference why, you just do). Let’s further assume that, realistically, you’re not a bottleneck for anything happening at work on Friday. If you’re like me, you’re probably already building the litany of excuses you plan on giving to your boss as reasons for letting you go. “I can put in extra hours,” “I can work remote,” “I’m ahead of my work.” All fine, but here’s the crux: if you give excuses as if they were reasons, they still sound like excuses. People generally say no to whiny excuses.

If you simply plan and execute with confidence, then a mental health day should be just like a sick day: perfectly fine, under the radar, and something you would do in a heartbeat.

Treat “mental health” days the same way. Call in that day, and explain that you won’t be able to make it in. Don’t lie, but you probably don’t have to say, “so I can work on my tan.” If you have duties that need covering, make sure people know how to cover them in a pinch (without giving away your plan). If you feel like your team should know, then let them know that you’ll need to be out of the office for personal reasons, and you’ll make sure everything is covered (which might mean telecommuting, extra weekday hours, etc). If people really press you, well, you’re on your own, but things like “It’s really important to me to be there for so-and-so” or “I want to get some extra time in with family” are hard to say no to, and probably true if you really ask yourself.

Selecting a team is part of every Cubicle Fu Master’s life, no matter where they are on the ladder. Whether a team for a side project, or just gathering the right people in a meeting, at some point you pick people who you trust at your side.

Most of us probably pick the shiniest baubles in the room: the good looking, always been successful, in great shape, nice teeth kind of people. These people are successful, so they probably know how to help you, right?

According to this article, “Why I never hire brilliant men,” the better pick is quite the opposite.

Why would you want to pick that guy or girl who was always last pick in high-school sports? At first glance, they’re awkward, and seem to have to put in more effort than others. Well, according to the article, it’s precisely because of that adversity that these are the men and women you want on your project team today. These are the people who have had to work hard through adversity (read: getting bullied in high-school) to get where they are. Someone like this will look past obstacles and plan their success, rather than breaking down when it’s not handed to them.

Success, it seems, is not built by the few bright stars, but by the of hordes of colorful “ordinary” people who know the value of a day’s work. This is your dream team.

Like me, you’ve probably seen the “no cell phone” signs in various public places. Yet on the train, at the gym, and in restaurants, it seems like everyone, even that guy on the bike in front of you, is on their cell phone. Cell phone voices are distracting because they’re one side of a conversation, and often loud so the other party can hear. Today, on the train, I listened to a forty year old teenager explain to his dad why he needed to move to Portland. From there he spent forty minutes whining to his dad how little he knew about both his son and the internet. He may have been right, still, he had more issues than Time magazine and he was basically yelling about it.

And yet, most of us just don’t say jack. We sit, try to read, and know that we’ll be able to end our relationship with this person and their issues with their dad as soon as we hit our station.

Why? Why do we insist on putting up with aggravating behavior that is against the rules. Let it be said, I do not in any way advocate following the rules, but when they’re on your side, you have an option.

What to do when you’re dealing with annoying behavior in public:

• See that you’re not alone.
  Look a round, read people’s faces. Are other people also annoyed or frowning at this person?
• Note: the rules are in your favor
  If you’re still shy about speaking up, note that you CAN play the goodie two-shoes here. The rules do say not to be a jackass, so…
• Speak confidently and compassionately
  “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m trying to read/workout/eat/enjoy the outdoors and your conversation is distracting me. Would you mind taking your conversation over there?”
• If they balk, stand your ground
  It is SO easy to just say “Ok, sorry, you don’t want to, you have a right.” It is better to say, “I understand, still, I’d really appreciate it if you could respect the guidelines, and it’s hard to do my reading/workout/etc. while listening to your conversation.”

At this point, if you followed step 1, then other people may speak up in your favor. If not, the worst that can happen is you look a little prim. In the best case, Daddy’s Boy takes a hike and someone buys you a beer.

Oh No! It’s 15 past the hour and you just realized you missed that important conference call or meeting. Like, totally spaced it. And now, you’ve passed the point of claiming you were just running a little bit late. So, what to do? How do you save face?

The answer is simple: act quickly and honestly.

First things first, take a big deep breath and calm down. Breathe with me: Inhale… Hold it… Exhale. (Keep repeating these steps as long as your heart is still racing and your internal dialogue is something like “#%^$#%^ $%^$^&$.”)

Now, let’s begin. Write an email or call the appropriate person or persons as soon as you realize your mistake. Explain that you missed the call and apologize for any inconvenience. And here’s the important part: avoid self-deprecation. You don’t need to be too hard on yourself. Everyone forgets something once in a while. And, making yourself sound too much like an idiot won’t help down the road. You still want to impress the person(s) when you reschedule your call or meeting.

A sample email might read something like this:

Dear Mrs. so-and-so,

I just realized that I missed the call we had scheduled at 10am. I apologize for any inconvenience. Please let me know if you have any time today, tomorrow, or this week to reschedule our call.

Regards,
-Logan Go’Lately

That’s about it. In 95% of the cases this will work just fine. For the other 5% where you forgot a call with the Steve Jobs or Bill Gates… well, you’re just screwed. Start packing your belongings and polishing your resume. Good luck with the job hunt!