Cubicle-Fu

Many of you know about the old alt-tab (or apple-tab for Mac users) to switch between programs. And how many of you had your computer freeze or decide to move at a too relaxed pace when your boss comes by. How many of you managed to figure out a feasable work reason for the World of Warcraft fetish add-on you were playing?

Step back to a time of buttons and levers, and now meet the solution to your woes: The USB Stealth Switch. The USB Stealth Switch is a hardware solution. It’s like a monitor switch, with a footpedal. Cubicle Fu Masters know that your hands are not your only weapons! This is perfect for the misunderstood super-multitasker who can surf porn, pacman, and still get their reports in on time.

Now we’re just waiting for the switch that turns your office into a beach paradise, and back, without your boss noticing.

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(Thanks to Zach for the tip!)

You already know that your next meeting is going to be as exciting as porn with Margaret Thatcher, but you have to be there. So what do you do?

Plan an emergency.

There are lots of ways to do this, but the simplest is to make sure you get a call that you “have to take.” Sure, you could have a friend do it, but then your operation could spring a leak. The Cubicle Fu Master knows that sometimes, you have to work alone.

How to place a call to yourself:

1.  In Microsoft Outlook, create a new email
2. In the “To” field, enter the email address that will send a text to your phone (e.g. for Sprint users this is 1234567890@messaging.sprintpcs.com, and you’d replace 1234567890 with your own number)
3. Now under the View menu, select Options
4. See the checkbox that says “Do not deliver before…,” just set the time you want it sent.

Now make sure your Outlook stays on while you walk into the meeting. When the text comes in, look, and put on your best Oscar performace. “Oh, I’m really sorry, this is urgent and I need to take it. I’ll come by later to get briefed on what you all decide. I’m really sorry about this”

Now you can back to watching that video of cats pooping.

It turns out, smiling DOES help you feel better.

Pulled from the archives of “things your mom told you that you were pretty sure you could file under ‘bullshit,’” science has now proven that smiling has a positive effect on your mood.

And since it’s Monday, we thought you should know.

Read more.

According to Stephen Covey, Cubicle Fu Master and author of “7 habits of Highly Effective People,” being the boss is all about attitude. Not the kind of attitude that gets you a time-out, but the kind that the female praying mantis has towards her unsuspecting male mate: lull them, empathize with them, and use that power to gain influence (no need to actually sever their head or sleep with them).

From Covey:

If you remember nothing else from this blog remember this: leadership has nothing to do with formal authority, it has everything to do with influence.

Read Stephen Covey’s full article here.

No means no. Right? Well, it depends. A lot of times in corporate-land, the Cubicle Fu master will find people who are afraid: afraid of looking silly, afraid of boss’s judgment, or just afraid of not having a job. Many times “No” is the answer to new ideas not from objective evaluation of the idea, but of fear.

Last month I sent an email to the CEO proposing a new project. He said no. He said he just wasn’t sure there was value in the project. So I said thank you and I’d think about it, and I went to a group of Directors and asked them what they thought of the proposal and what they would change so it would have value for them. The CEO’s “No” was based on a one-page summary, and incomplete knowledge of what people levels down from him would want. So I’m now finding out, and may get this project done after all.

What do do with a “No”

1. Evaluate: What kind of no is it?
   If the “no” is really an “I don’t know” then find out what isn’t known. For example, “No, not right now, I don’t know know if…” is a call for more information, not a stop sign.
2. Communicate your intention to help fill in the pieces
   You get to frame the communication here. Frame his “no” as “feedback” and express your intention to figure out how to move forward in a tone that seems like no big deal. E.g. “Thanks Boss/CEO/Authority for your feedback. You’re right, there are a lot of unknowns here. I’m going to do some research to see if there is a way to address your concerns and make this a valuable tool. I’ll get back to you when I have more information for you.”
3. Find a Mentor/Sponsor
   These are people with influence in the company who will get excited about your idea and help champion it.
4. Fill in the missing pieces
   Now do the research and figure out if the unknown is known. Find people who have been around and can give you honest critique. Take the critique, modify it, and keep going until someone with purse strings says, “No way.”

From here, it’s really up to you. You can repeat step 4 until the project is done. The key there is that you’re constantly finding out what people actually need, and what the next step is.

A Cubicle Fu master knows when to use his disappearing skills to take some well-earned (or not that well earned) vacation.

1. Create a distraction
2. Ideally this distraction will be something that will hold attention for hours or days
3. Ideally this distraction will be so engrossing, nobody will notice that the Cubicle Fu master has even left for any amount of time
4. You can then return from your time away, and know exactly what went on since the distraction was 100% consuming

Hey, check this out

Happy Thanksgiving! See you Monday.

A Cubicle Fu master, after his extensive training, is thrust out into the world to study the arts of foreign lands and masters.

In our travels we found another Cubicle Ninja who has some great tips on how to use stealth secrets to escape the office early.

Our favorite:

Ignore others. This one is hard to do. Especially if you are a social creature. The best way to avoid talking to co-workers is to simply ignore them. If you must acknowledge them, try a simple nod or hand wave. They don’t usually want any meaningful conversation in the hallway, so a simple silent gesture is usually solid.

This is good advice at any time of day. The real trick is ignoring people while simultaneously using mind tricks to make them think you just had a great interaction AND making them forget it ever happened. I can’t really get into that here, but hey wasn’t this a fun post!?

<I was never here….>

Read more Cubicle Ninja stealth secrets.

If you’re done, and there’s food on your plate, you’ve got more options than to toss it.

What to do with your leftovers:

1. Offer what’s left to a friend. Maybe your friend is afraid of germs, but they might not be. Besides, didn’t you learn to share in kindergarten?
2. Pack it to go. Ask for a to-go box, even if it’s just a little food. You can have a snack later, and re-use the box.
3. Pack it to go in your own box! I keep these containers from Lock and Lock handy in case my eyes are bigger than my stomach.
4. Offer it to a homeless person. Hand it off on your way back to the office. Better than dropping a few coins or ignoring them.
5. Replate it.

There are many who aspire to be Cubicle Fu Masters. They train for years, master their bodies and emotions, until they can pass virtually without notice under the radar of any superior, living in complete freedom in plain sight.

However, some “grasshoppers” leave their training early, believing they are ready. Some succeed, but many fail. Some who succeed do things like call in sick and take those days to go party, and even dress up like fairy grasshoppers.

Those who fail leave a trail on Facebook and have the images emailed back to them by the boss they told they were too sick to work. Some students still have much to learn.

Read more…

If you need that extra time in the morning, but don’t feel like calling it a sick day, you can use your Cubicle Fu powers for evil… make it a half day!

1. Call in and say you’ll be late coming in, but you’ll stay late to make up for it
2. Unless you use a punch card system, when the rest of the office kicks off at 6, nobody will see you leave at 6:15
   (if 6:15 is past your usual check-out time, then technically you’re leaving late anyway)
3. You can also ACTUALLY stay late if you want.
   Some people (like me) get more done later in the day so rolling in at 10:30 and staying till 7:30 is actually better for everyone

Note: This will absolutely backfire if:

• You actually have work to do and are flaking on it
• You get caught and you work at the kind of place that frowns on “lying”
• Your Cubicle Fu Masters hear about it (for this is not the path of honor)
• You are actually lazy and use this strategy as one of many weasely strategies to get out of doing real work